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You gotta believe in something - I believe I'll have another beer.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so why not get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal!

Always remember - wherever you go - there you are.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Mickey Rooney - RIP

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd be eating frozen radio dinners. Johnny Carson

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

I pretend to work - they pretend to pay me.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. George Bernard Shaw

The road to success is always under construction.

And They're coming to take me away Ha Ha They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the...

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.