Most liked posts in thread: 2014 - F1

Formula One cars to clip playing cards to rear wheels

The disappointing sound of the new engines in Formula One is to be addressed with the use of playing cards clipped to the rear wheels, according to Bernie Ecclestone this morning.

With the move to V6 engines with electric power trains away from the previous V8 engines, the noise in the pit lane and around the track has been described as ‘disappointing’.

Formula One supremo Ecclestone told reporters, “A Formula One experience is not complete without at least partial hearing loss and ongoing tinnitus issues.”

“The roar of the old engines was almost enough to make your ears bleed, and that’s what the fans, teams and sponsors want.”

“We have looked at the possibility of microphones and amplifiers around the engines, but we’ve decided that playing cards on the rear wheels will offer the significant enhancement to the engine acoustics that we’re looking for.”

“We will be introducing a limit to the number of spokes allowed on the rear wheel to ensure no team has an unfair auditory advantage, though no doubt the creative teams will find a loophole in the regulations.”

“Before long the clickety-clack of a formula One car speeding past will be as recognisable as I am.”

Formula One engine noise

Teams have already begun assessing the impact of the playing cards in their simulators and wind tunnels, with some feeling they have stolen a march on the competition.

McLaren F1 spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “The small amount of extra drag we’ve experienced is more than made up for by the guttural sound from a playing card being thwacked at 190mph.”

“We’ve found that casino grade cards give the best acoustic return, but card degradation is going to be an issue for all the teams trying to complete a race distance.”

“It’s bad, but we’re just hoping Pirelli don’t move into the playing card business.”

 

Reports from Italy have confirmed that Stefano Domenicali did not resign from Ferrari as claimed yesterday and was actually used as a swap for a Mercedes engine.

‘The F14 T is not powerful enough,’ an insider confided to Sniff Petrol last night. ‘And the team was sick of Stefano capering about the factory doing impressions of Eric Morecambe rather than concentrating on new wind tunnel data and such like. This secret deal to swap him for a Mercedes engine solves both problems at once.’

Our Ferrari mole confirmed that a Mercedes V6 was covertly handed to the team this morning and will be installed in Fernando Alonso’s car prior to this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix. ‘Fernando will stop at nothing to win so he gets the Mercedes engine,’ our spy explained. ‘Whereas Kimi doesn’t even know who he’s driving for and will be happy as long as there’s enough Grey Goose in his drinks bottle.’

In return for supplying an engine that isn’t total dog ****, the Mercedes GP team gets full ownership of bespectacled being-on-television enthusiast Stefano Domenicali to do with as they choose. Sources in Brackley recently admitted that the team was worried many of its senior personnel come across as Germanic and sinister during TV interviews and it’s possible they will appoint the affable Domenicali as official spokesman to mitigate those concerns.

However, it seems more like that the ex-team principal will be kept at the Merc factory and used by Toto Wolff for ‘experiments’.