Give Grandpa's more guns.....
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epZod2qyyN4&hd=1]How to stop a massacre (PG-13 edition with improved sound effects) - YouTube[/ame]
An e-mail made its rounds years ago with examples of "Inkrish." I found what looks to be most of the examples on someone's blog:
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
-English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
nothing.)
(6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying ... Go To Hell.
(9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child! Senior
citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old?
Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I
strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I
had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the
alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think
was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my
food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to
help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social
Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by
mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 zone. Yes, I
was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm
not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in
my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... Try doing it with the engine running.
From The London Times: Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 for cars ($1.40),for buses (about $7). Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missinga day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee..The City Council responded that the lot attendanthad never been on the City payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts tojust over $7 million dollars...... and no one even knows his name.
A palindrome reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite. This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen...forward and backward.
This is a video that was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP. This video won second place. When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause. So simple and yet so brilliant.
Take a minute and watch it.
[SIZE=+4]US Gun Statistics[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]
Various Sources
2-2-5[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1](B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1](Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services)[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]
Guns[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1](A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]Yes, that is 80 million.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand![/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.[/SIZE]
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Yeah,the definition of 'a shame':A buss load of Lawyers going over a cliff with 1 empty seat.:cornut:![[IMG]](http://images-kitup.military.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Missile_Test.gif)
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