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You may be on to something, it would take opposable thumbs to open the cans.

Mark

 

The economy is so bad that:





I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you cancall them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hillshavefired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

**** Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

​

 

Miscommunication

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

 

Terrorist Alert Levels

Terrorist Alert Levels



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."



The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.



The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.



It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .



The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.



New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".



Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,†"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

CATHOLIC COFFEE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,[/FONT]


slim,

tall,

38D breast,


24" waist and


34" hips.


When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

​

 

So was the picture that went with it, but it was not PG:ihih:

Mark

 

Maybe this shuddua been in messy political stuff, oH what the ell




Can anyone guess where this came from?

 

Somehow I think the Arabic says "no we need more" that is Arabic isn't it?

 

I think 9% said Yes, and 9% said Oui

Mark

 

*50 Fahrenheit (10 C)*... See More
>
> New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
>
> Winnipeggers plant gardens.
>
>
> *40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)*
>
> Californians shiver uncontrollably.
>
> Winnipeggers Sunbathe.
>
>
> *35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)*
>
> Italian Cars won't start.
>
> Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.
>
>
> *32 Fahrenheit (0 C)*
>
> Distilled water freezes.
>
> Winnipeg water gets thicker.
>
>
> *0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)*
>
> New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
>
> Winnipeggers have the last cookout of the season.
>
>
> *-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)*
>
> Hollywood disintegrates.
>
> Winnipeggers rent some videos.
*-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)*
>
> Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
>
> Winnipeg Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
>
>
> *-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)*
>
> Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
>
> Winnipeggers pull down their earflaps.
>
>
> *-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)*
>
> Ethyl alcohol freezes.
>
> Winnipeggers get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
>
>
> *-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)*
>
> Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
>
> Winnipeggers start saying "cold, eh?"
>
>
> *-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)*
>
> Hell freezes over.
>
> The Leafs win the Cup.

Mark

 

The Leafs win the cup!!! LOVE IT!!!!

 

Last time hell froze was 1967:lol:

Mark

 

If the sun was out:lol: Mid 20's F here in STL today, and I seem to be the only one motoring around with my windows down

Mark

 

need to get the airconditioning recharged eh?

 

I tend not to use it much, maybe I should check if it still works one day.

Mark

 

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'