When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.95 a minute.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
OK Scott, you started it: A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and asks: "Hey, pal, why the long face?"
A blonde, a red head, a rabbi, a priest, a sailor with a parrot on his shoulder, a man with a talking dog and a panda all walk into a bar at the same time. The bartender looks up and asks: "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
A chicken walks into a bar and the bartender says 'we don't serve poultry here'. The chicken says 'that's OK, all I want is a beer'.
A giraffe walks into a bar and sees that it is full of his friends. Being generous he announces "drink up, high balls are on me".
Here's not a one liner: A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a Tom Collins and the dog orders rye straight up. The bartender can't believe his ears but is told 'yea he likes his neat'. Dang, a talking dog. The guy gets up to use the head and while he's gone the bartender talks the dog into playing a joke on a competitor down the street and gives the dog $20.00 to take and ask for change. The dog leaves with the $20. The guy returns from the head and asks where's his dog and the bartender explains his gag. The guy panics because his dog isn't used to being on the street alone and runs out to look for him. A block down the street he finds his dog locked in lust with another dog of ill repute and yells at him 'what has gone wrong with you?'. The dog looks up and says 'Well heck, I never had twenty bucks before'.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get for you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A penguin takes his car into the shop for a leak, the mechanic says "go get some lunch, and we will have a diagnosis when you return." So the penguin heads out to the local fast food joint, and returns about an hour later... The mechanic said "Well it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "NO! have'nt you ever seen a penguin try to eat an icecream cone!"
A cowboy, been out at the line shack all winter, rides into town for his spring bath and stops at the first saloon on the right. Just as he sits at the bar two women walk in and just have to ask, 'Are you a real cowboy?'. Not feeling too kindly he says yea and then asks what the heck are they. Sensing his mood one says that they are a couple of lesbians. Never heard that before and asks what that means and is told they prefer to be with women. After a drink or two they leave. A bit later some tourists stop in and again ask if he's a real cowboy. "Well folks, I thought I was but I guess I'm really a lesbian."
Q: What is a very scary proposition? A: I just got a list by email with 19 more as bad or worse than that one.